Social Anxiety - The Recovery Plan

For social phobia, or social anxiety, the recovery plan can be long and uncomfortable. That is why we need to make a strong commitment, and have just as strong reasons for an effective recovery.

Now that we have

• Assessed our fears
• Set our goals
• Set our objectives
• Analyzed our behaviors

It is time to put a plan in place. We do that by learning new skills. Skills that will teach us how to:

• Handle our body's reaction to fears
• Handle our mind's reaction to fear and our thoughts
• How we handle disapproval, and many other factors

What is the basis for our fear? What skill do we lack? Is it a self esteem issue? Can we hold a conversation? Do we lack in grammar skills? We need to focus on learning the skill to improve our confidence.

Try to list what skills you may be lacking that is a direct connection to your social anxiety. We will work on them one at a time.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety Motivational Piece

I want to take some time to give some encouragement on the road to overcoming Social Anxiety. The biggest factor for me is low self esteem. For those of you that can relate, I just want to say a few words.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF?

Sometimes, when all our doubts, fears and insecurities wrap ourselves up, we always come up with the idea of “I wish I was somebody else.” More often than not, we think and believe that someone or rather, most people are better than us.- when in reality, the fact is, most people are more scared than us.

We look at a young successful person and say “Wooh… what else could he ask for?” He stares at himself at the mirror and murmurs to himself, “I hate my big eyes… I wonder why my friends won’t talk to me…”

Isn’t it funny? We look at other people, envy them for looking so outrageously perfect and wish we could trade places with them, while they look at us and think of the same thing.

We are insecure of other people who themselves are insecure of us. We suffer from low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and lose hope in self improvement because we are enveloped in quiet desperation.

One of Whitney Houston’s songs says “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” So True. In order to love others, you must love yourself too.

Remember, you cannot give what you do not have. Stop thinking of yourselves as second-rate beings. Forget the repetitive thought of “If only I was richer… if only I was thinner” and so on.

Accepting your true self is the first step to self improvement. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others only to find out at the end that we’ve got 10 more reasons to envy them.

We all have our insecurities. Nobody is perfect. We always wish we had better things, better features, better body parts, etc. But life need not to be perfect for people to be happy about themselves.

Self improvement and loving yourself is not a matter of shouting to the whole world that you are perfect and you are the best. It’s the virtue of acceptance and contentment. When we begin to improve ourselves, we then begin to feel contented and happy.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Incentive To Change

For me, Social Anxiety, or Social Phobia, is about the worst thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I would give anything to not “be like this.”

There is hope! This condition can be overcome.

As previously mentioned, you need to:

• Set your goal
• Define your objective
• Assess your fears
• List your fearful thoughts
• List your behaviors or how you avoid

Now all you need is an incentive to change. Why do you want to overcome social anxiety? List your reasons on paper.

• To have more friends
• To get a new job
• To go back to school
• To not feel lonely

The more reasons you have, or how important, or immediate, or urgent they seem, the more likely you are to be successful.

Try to be specific. Choose things that are very important because this isn't going to be easy. You need the incentive that outweighs the discomfort that you will most likely feel.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety and our Behaviors

The biggest way in which I behave is to avoid. Avoidance is the easiest, yet worst thing a person with Social Anxiety, or Social Phobia can do.

If there is a social event, I make up an excuse to not attend. Avoidance can work is subtle ways as well. If I absolutely cannot get out of a social event, I will use a safe person as I mentioned earlier. Someone to accompany me that I am familiar with and feel safe.

Other ways to subtly avoid can include:

• Staying only a certain amount of time
• Daydreaming
• Not make eye contact
• Sit in a corner far away as possible
• Having a drink or two beforehand
• Sometimes those of us with social anxiety just appear shy or conceited.
• When in fact, something totally different happens to be going on in our minds.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety and Our Thoughts

One with Social Phobia not only has bodily symptoms as I mentioned earlier, you also have fearful thoughts, or cognitions as well.

Some of these thoughts, for me, include:

• I look out of place
• I sound stupid
• I'll be rejected
• I appear incompetent
• I'm too quiet
• I look nervous

Again, you may experience some of these, and more not on the list.
This is how our minds act in fearful situations.

These are the thoughts that race through my head anytime I am in a social situation. Next time, we will look at how we behave or what we do when we are scared.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Assess Your Fears

Social Phobia – Social Anxiety... Ask yourself, what are your fears? What makes you the most anxious? What situation causes the most extreme anxiety for you?

For me, it is doing anything in public. When I am around people

• My stomach starts to hurt
• I feel like I can't breathe
• My mouth gets extremely dry so I can't speak or swallow
• I blush
• I get lightheaded
• I feel nauseous
• My body feels tingly
• My chest hurts
• I get very warm

Most people with social phobia will have at least some of these symptoms when entering their fearful situation.

I was told that specific breathing techniques would help tremendously. I, however, never mastered the technique as of yet. For that reason, I won't try to explain how to properly breathe until I do more research.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety Goals and Objectives

Social Anxiety Goals and Objectives

Now that you have your goals listed on paper, you need to study them and find the easiest one to accomplish. I know what you are thinking. The easiest is the hardest.

If that is honestly your answer, then you have to think even smaller. If it is a trip to the mailbox, start with a trip to your porch or sidewalk. Think small at first.

You've got your goal in hand. Now you want to define your objective. What is it that you actually want to accomplish here? I will give you an example.

Goal: I want to be more outgoing and comfortable at social gatherings.

Objectives:

• I will feel less anxious in public.
• I will be able to make eye contact
• I won't turn down invitations to family functions
• I will feel like I can hold my own in a conversation
• I will stop assuming that I am saying the wrong things all the time

Objectives can define your goal, and they will also guide you along the way. This may sound like an easy task. Just be careful you are not too rigid in your wording here.

For instance... Use: I will feel less anxious in public. Don't use: I will not be anxious in public.

Using the last sentence is unrealistic at this point. Even though it is just on paper, we are working on reaching a goal. This is something we want to accomplish.

Until next time...

Social Phobia - Setting Goals

As I stated before, anxiety can stem from many things. You must find the root of your anxiety. For me, it goes hand in hand with Social Phobia, or Social Anxiety. I must admit, I've needed help, and through many counselors and therapists, I have learned a lot.

One thing I have learned is you need to set specific goals. You can't just say, “I want to be rid of my anxiety or social anxiety.” You have to be more specific.

Here's some examples of what I mean.

Ask yourself:

• What type of social situation do you want to stop avoiding?
• How do you want to feel in that situation?

Your answers might be:

• I want to go to the movies and be relaxed.
• I want to eat at a restaurant feeling comfortable.
• Start small! Pick a goal you want to accomplish and write it down. Include the situation and how you want to feel during that situation.
• Set a time or a date for that goal, but be realistic. My first goal was to make it out to the mailbox relaxed. I mean, start small!

Once we choose a specific goal and write it down, set a time or date for that goal, we will next focus on our objectives.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - My Avoidance

Social Phobia is the least understood, but more frustrating, it is the least accepted issue by professionals and non-professionals alike.

Without going into too much detail, because no one wants to hear other people's problems, I'll try to explain my frustration.

I got a phone call from my doctor this morning with more “great” news. It is not a matter of life and death, nor is it serious enough to warrant medication. She does, however, want me to see someone; a dietitian.

My doctor is well aware of my anxiety and panic attacks, yet when I asked a few simple questions (like where is this place located?), she treated me like a 2 year old. (My perception).

My anxiety was already high because I had to answer the phone. It intensified when I learned it was my doctor's office. It further elevated when I was told my tests didn't come back all that great. So by the time I was told I would have to go see a dietitian, I was maxed out.

So, what happens? I re-live the phone conversation over and over, until... major depression sets in.

Reality Check...

In reality, I wasn't upset that my doctor was unsympathetic to my “situation.” It is just that my anxiety got so out of control, I had to escape. I used her “lack of understanding” to make my escape.

I escaped through anger. My anger over being like this. My anger over feeling this way. My anger over feeling like a big baby. My anger over not being “normal” and doing “normal” things.

I have always taught my kids, that there's never a problem, only a solution. So, I need to find a solution.

I will take the 30 minute drive before my appointment and find this place, so I will at least know where I am going before the actual appointment. I will do research online to learn the “lingo” of the subject to be discussed. I will write my questions down ahead of time, so I don't have too many thoughts running through my head.

If you have social phobia, and a situation like this comes up, look past the “problem.” Find a solution. Any solution that works for you, and don't give up. I'm not saying that it is easy... not by a long shot.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - The Telephone Call

Social Anxiety can be very crippling. Here is another example of a perfectly "simple" task.

Don't call me, I'll call you is a famous line. However, for me, it has a much deeper meaning.

This is very hard to share. I feel “naked” and standing in front of a packed auditorium with every eye focused on my imperfections and flaws.

Let's Make A Phone Call

I try to make lists planning out my day. At the bottom of the list is an entry of a phone call I have to make. It is at the bottom of the list because it is the most feared task I have to accomplish.

As I get toward the bottom of my list, I can feel the anxiety rising. I am starting to shake, I can't concentrate on the task at hand, and I am starting to get nauseous.

There I sit staring at the telephone agonizing over picking it up and dialing. It doesn't matter who I am calling. It can be a stranger, or one of my friends. It is the same every time.

Here are some thoughts that race through my head at lightening speed:

What if I get the wrong number? What if I can't understand them? Maybe they are too busy, and I will interrupt them. They might get snide or snippy or just plain rude. My question is going to take too much time, maybe I better call later. I am going to stutter and embarrass myself.

Incoming calls work basically the same way. I did purchase Caller ID and it helps somewhat, knowing who is calling. I am able to (to an extent) get my thoughts together before I answer, or choose not to answer at all.

If I manage to actually make a call, my thoughts don't stop when I hang up. I analyze everything that was said, how it was said, what tone of voice the person had, and how I thought I was perceived. Over and over... until my anxiety is so high, it almost renders me immobile.

All this, just to make a phone call.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - A Trip To The Store

Social Phobia, also known as Social Anxiety is very real, but often misdiagnosed. Some are labeled shy, depressed, or even paranoid. So, I feel I must share more specific daily struggles so those unfamiliar with Social Phobia, or Social Anxiety, can better understand.

A Trip To The Grocery Store

A simple trip to the grocery store causes extreme anxiety. Before I even get to the store, I am worrying about finding a parking space. It's not as simple as worrying about finding a place to park. Driving into the parking lot, my thoughts are, I must look really stupid looking for a place to park.

My next thoughts are What if I pull in wrong and have to back up and try again, people are going to think I'm stupid. Or, I might pull into a spot that is too tight and won't be able to get out and everyone will laugh.

If I “make it” into the parking space without incident, I ignore the fact that nothing that was going through my head happened. Instead, on the walk to the store I am thinking I hope I don't trip or stumble. Or, What if one of the doors is locked and I use that one... What if I push it instead of pulling it? All this mounting anxiety, and I'm not even in the store yet.

Once I am in the store, of course everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to stumble, or do something foolish. I try not to look too many people in the eyes, because my anxiety is already so high, my mouth feels like cotton balls and tastes like a hot, sandy desert. There's no way I am going to be able to say Hi to anyone without sounding strange.

Here are some more thoughts racing through my mind, as I try to make my way through the store. What if I can't find what I am looking for, I can't ask anyone, if I do, it will be right in front of my face and I'll look stupid. I have to put the cart somewhere so I won't trip on it or have my coat get caught on it when I reach for the milk. If I drop the milk I am going to die.

Let's assume that I didn't panic and I actually made it to the checkout line. I need to find a short line because it is just excruciating standing in line, looking stupid, waiting for my turn to have to talk to the cashier. Here's my dilemma... I can't actually look for a short line, because if I can't find one and have to double back, I will look like an idiot. So, I hope and pray I find one.

By the time I get to the cashier, I am sweating like a pig, my heart is pounding so hard I think everyone can hear it, I can't swallow or even lick my lips because my mouth is so dry, and now I have to say hi. My voice is going to crack if it even comes out at all, for sure I am going to stutter, or I am going to answer “the wrong” question.

I have to use a debit card, because my hands shake so bad I cannot write a check. I stand before the machine with tears in my eyes and a lump swelling in my throat because I'm not sure how the machine works. I can't ask for help, because the cashier will know I am crying and think I am a baby.

I could go on and on and on, but I think you get the idea.

If all that is not enough, when I finally get home, I relive the whole experience over and over. Focusing on anything negative that might have happened or that I dreamed happened. I rarely see a trip to the grocery store as an accomplishment. I see it as the most dreaded, dark, and exhausting experience that I never want to go through again.

Yes, it was a simple trip to the grocery store.

Until next time...

Anxiety Controlling Me

Most of the time I feel like my anxiety is controlling me instead of the other way around like it should be. What I say to myself... called "self-talk" is a very big factor in this.

Let's say I have to go to one of my children's choir concerts or gymnastics competitions... instead of saying to myself, I have to load the camera with film, I should leave early to get a good seat, etc...

I say to myself, I have to walk out to the car and I will trip and everyone will see it, I will get stuck at the 4 way stop and look foolish not knowing when to go, I will park in the wrong place once I get there, I will go in the wrong door and feel stupid, I will sit in a seat that is already taken, etc...

This thinking has "nothing" to do with the event itself. It is a thought process I go through knowing I have to go someplace that is going to cause anxiety. But the "someplace" isn't causing my anxiety, my thought process is.

There are effective ways to turn this thinking around if it is just practiced.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety Help

My anxiety stems from Social Anxiety or Social Phobia. Social Anxiety as I stated before is a constant fear of rejection or criticism by others.

One thing that helps me is to have a safe person with me in stressful situations. A safe person isn't a person that is big and strong and will protect me. What I mean by a safe person, is someone I know, like my kids or husband, etc., that can be with me in public. That way, I have someone familiar, and that I feel comfortable with. No, I don't take them out to the mailbox with me, that would look foolish. LOL

But living with social phobia is very depressing, embarrassing, and just plain crap. I can't talk to anyone about it because then I will look like a freak. Or someone who should be locked in a padded room.

But I'm not. I have been told I am a happy, fun, a little nutty (in a good way), person. So, I must do a good job keeping that mask on. Writing about it here is one of the hardest things I have done, but I must move forward.

I will be sharing some of my experiences living with social anxiety which some of you may or may not relate to. If you can relate, feel free to post. If you can't, well, you are probably going to think I'm a little nuts, unless you are a sensitive person.

Until next time...

Causes Of Anxiety

Anxiety can stem from many things. You have to find the root of your anxiety. Is your anxiety at its peak when you:

• Have to give a speech?
• Entertain guests?
• Taking tests?
• Eating in public places?

My anxiety stems from Social Phobia, or Social Anxiety.

Social Phobia, the pits!... what is it? Is it just being shy? Not by a long shot. Social Phobia is a disorder, and I hate that word. But it's true. Shyness is an uncomfortable feeling when someone is around strangers, etc. Social Phobia is a persistent fear of criticism or rejection by others.

I am in constant fear of saying something or doing something foolish, embarrassing, or humiliating. So what do I do? Avoid... again. Was I born with it? Did I learn it? I have no idea. I do know, though, that my dad called me stupid just about every day growing up. That might or might not have anything to do with it. I'm not sure.

All I know is my life is the pits dealing with it! Some things that people take for granted, I sweat over. Like going out and getting the mail. Should be simple. No, I have to convince myself that I am not going to trip and fall, a bird is not going to attack me, and no one driving down the road is going to point and laugh.

Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Try living it every day and trust me, you'll be crying, not laughing.

Until next time...

Anxiety Recap

To sum it all up, anxiety, social phobia, depression are extremely hard to deal with every day. If you don't have any of these issues, but know someone who does, please try to understand and be supportive.

• Help them to learn to take it one day at a time.
• Instead of worrying about how they will get through the rest of the week or month, try to focus on today.
• Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with problems.
• Focus on the present and stop trying to predict what may happen next week. Next week will take care of itself. It always does.
• Try to get them to challenge their negative thinking with positive statements. Tell them when they have thoughts that make them fearful or anxious, to challenge those thoughts. Does this always happen? What are the chances of that happening? Do this carefully, or it will come out wrong. Trust me!

Most of all, take this seriously. It is awful to live with it.

Until next time....

Coping With Anxiety

As I discussed earlier, avoidance is an easy way to deal with anxiety in your life. As long as you avoid anxiety causing situations, you are actually well rewarded. Avoid and no anxiety. However, it is one of the worst things to do because your fear about these situations will persist.

I know I could and should be doing several things to "be rid" of my problem. I say "be rid" but I will always have anxiety, it is just in how I cope with it. I shouldn't avoid, but that is the easiest for me. It comes with a great expense like losing friends as I have discussed earlier.

What we say to ourselves... called "self-talk" is a very big factor in anxiety controlling us instead of the other way around. Let's say I have to go to one of my children's choir concerts or gymnastics competitions... instead of saying to myself, I have to load the camera with film, I should leave early to get a good seat, etc...

I say to myself, I have to walk out to the car and I will trip and everyone will see it, I will get stuck at the 4 way stop and look foolish not knowing when to go, I will park in the wrong place once I get there, I will go in the wrong door and feel stupid, I will sit in a seat that is already taken, etc...

This thinking has "nothing" to do with the event itself. It is a thought process we go through knowing we have to go someplace that is going to cause anxiety. But the "someplace" isn't causing our anxiety, our thought process is.

There are effective ways to turn this thinking around if it is just practiced.

Until next time...

Living With Anxiety

As I stated earlier, anxiety is an irrational fear. However, living with anxiety daily, the fear seems all too real. My thoughts are real. The symptoms I experience are real. However, I do take that next step, and that is where the irrational fear comes in to play.

When I was in school, the teacher mentioned we had to do a presentation in front of the class. You got your regular moans and groans from the students, except for me.

I sat there quietly... with alarms going off in my head. I started to sweat, my mouth got so dry I couldn't swallow, there was a burning pit in my stomach, my mouth tasted like metal, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would jump out of my chest, and I got nauseous.

All this because the teacher mentioned a presentation we had to do... a week away. A week away, yet in my head, I was already in front of the class making a fool out of myself. So, when the time came, I took a zero on the project... avoidance.

Avoidance is very common. I will do almost anything to avoid any situation that is going to cause the feelings and sensations I described above.

However, avoidance has also made my world very small. I lose out on a lot. My friends don't ask me to do anything anymore because they are tired of getting turned down all the time. And it is very hard to meet new people. (Social Phobia).

Avoidance leads to not wanting to leave the "safety" of your house. (Agoraphobia). Avoidance makes you miss out on a lot of things in life because when anxiety is at its worse, you feel like you are going to die. (Panic Attacks).

It is not only scary living with anxiety, it is also embarrassing. People who don't understand the depths of anxiety look at you like you are some kind of freak. Others are disgusted, thinking I am looking for pity and attention. Trust me, that is the last thing I want.

Until next time...

Just Shy? Or Something More?

“Oh, you are just shy.” Are you sick and tired of hearing that? Are you wondering what is wrong with you? Do you feel like no one understands? You are not alone!

I lived with “shyness” all my life. Everyone told me to just “get over it.” I wanted to scream! Something is wrong with me! I can't just get over it!

Then I got older. The problem with my “shyness” got worse. Other symptoms started to arise. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and many others.

If you are still wondering if you are just shy, or if it is something more like social anxiety or social phobia, maybe this will help.

• Do you worry for days, weeks, months about an event you have to attend?
• Do you immediately start coming up with excuses not to attend an event?
• Do you have an extreme fear of being judged by others?
• Do you have extreme fear of talking to strangers?
• Do you find it extremely hard to post in forums, newsgroups, use an instant messenger, or any form of conversation online?
• Do you find it almost impossible to use the phone?
• Do you panic when someone knocks on your door? Do you even get nausious and not answer it?
• Do you avoid going to the store?

Some of these you may do, some you may not, and there may be other things you do or avoid that is not on this list. It should give you some points to ponder.

Notice a couple of key words in the examples above. Extreme and Avoid.

Someone who is shy may blush when meeting someone new. Someone with social anxiety may also blush when meeting someone new. However, this person may also feel nauseous, light headed, and tremble. Their heart might race, they may sweat excessively, their mouth and throat may get extremely dry, they may have panic feelings and want to find the nearest exit.

If this post helps just one person, I will be glad. If you want to talk, I'm hear to listen. Trust me, you are safe, I know exactly what you are going through.

Until next time...

Anxiety Myths

Most people unfamiliar with anxiety see it as just a simple case of the nerves. Those of us who live with anxiety know it is much more than that.

Anxiety is similar to fear, yet very different. Let me explain. Fear is a rational emotional response to a real threat. Anxiety is an irrational emotional response to an imagined threat. However it feels very real to those of us who suffer with anxiety on a daily basis.

Example: Imagine you are walking down a dark deserted road and you turn around to see a man coming at you with a gun. This is real... this is fear.

Now imagine you are walking down a familiar street in broad daylight and you imagine some disaster is about to happen, to you, and without warning. There is no visual threat, it is all imagined, though very real in the mind of a person suffering anxiety. This is imagined... this is anxiety.

I will be writing a lot about anxiety, phobias, panic attacks, as I suffer from them daily. Feel free to share your experiences, what has helped you, reactions from family and friends, or anything else you want to discuss.